Random Thoughts… 3/12/08

I don’t know what to write about but I will write what has been on my mind lately. I have been going through a healing process and just trying to grow. I’m going to be honest because this is my blog. I have a strong hate for my father. He isn’t crap to me. SERIOUSLY. I would pee on his grave if he were dead and I had the chance. Now is that the thoughts of christian?? No not really but are those the thoughts of a hurt woman?? Yes. He just wasn’t there and I never knew what it did to me until I started thinking about it the other day. I just broke down and cried about it. The sad part about it is, is that I must forgive him as much as I don’t want too. I never realized how much that had impacted me as an adult. I was angry, bitter and out of control. I had low self esteem and didn’t love myself at all. Recently we had an event my church called Mug and a Muffin. And Elder Yvonne (my pastor’s wife) talked about our relationship with our fathers is also how we treat or look at God. So if our father was absent and didn’t do anything then we have trouble trusting God. And it is very true. I always feel like God is going to abandon me and doesn’t care. Even though I know that’s not true. Then I had and have a man that wants to love on me and I can’t even love on me. It caused so much trouble in our relationship because I always felt as if he making fun of me or if he didn’t find me beautiful. It caused so many arguments because of me just not loving me. So this blog entry is to all out there that had absent fathers or just struggled with self esteem. Because you can have a father and he can still be absent emotionally. I just wanted to be free and now I have the chance to be free. The funny part is that God is taking the slack for that because I don’t trust anyone. and its quite sad and I can’t stand it. But until I start opening up to God I can’t get the real healing and actually love on the one who wants to love on me. I’ll keep u guys posted  

Destination Lowest

Destination LowestAs I look at world what do I see? I see my own people not realizing who they really are. But we bring one another down when we should really examine ourselves. In society today I see nothing but pain my people and they still think that its ok. Slavery ended many years ago and yet we are still slaves at mind and some at heart. Black men on the corners instead of getting a real job and taking care of what’s theirs killing one another. But yet they blame their problems on the “White Man? as if he has does more to him that what they see. Are you a quitter? Destination lowestWomen having babies just to be on the stay on the systemDestination LowestMore black men in jail then in schoolDestination lowestMost rich black men are usually rappersDestination lowestIf you want to hide something from my people hide it in a bookDestination LowestAnd yet we talk about one another. Calling each other Bitches, Hoes, bops and other derogatory names.Destination lowestYou would rather stand there and act like your stuff don’t stink.We have forgotten where we come from and who the people where before us that fought for our rights. Men and Woman who fought so we can have a proper education and yet we don’t use it.Men who fought to have rights so one day their kids could have it better. WE are that generation and yet we play around.Destination LowestBlack men you are the foundation, you are the beginning and you are the head. And yet I see none of you. You ARE the head of the household go back and clam what is rightfully yours. Our ancestors where killed, hung, shot, and stabbed so you could be free. And yet you still imprison yourself with drugs, violence, gangs, and crime. Last year more black men died because they where killed by another brother. So when are you going to realize that God gives you a purpose but its up to you to follow it? When are YOU going to break the generational curse of no black father figures in America? When? It starts with you and no one else.Destination LowestBlack Women………..WE ARE STRONG but some of you don’t know that. And yet we will call each other bitches, and hoes and forget who we are. We where the women who picked cotton, we cooked, cleaned, and took all kinds of crap and yet now we are free but are still held down. By “Baby Daddy Drama?, living in the system and just being lazy. We murder our children, there where 4326 abortions last year in America 2/3 of those abortions where black women between the ages of 14-40. We talk about those who are doing good for themselves instead of trying. We let boys who think they are men hurt us when in reality we are really hurting ourselves. Destination LowestAnd when we do make it we get beside ourselves and forget where it is that we come from. We came from the bottom of the food chain and worked our way up to the top. And then we forget about the youth who are at this point and in the same place we where and we would rather talk about them then help.When is it going to stop?Destination LowestIt stops when we realize our potential in life to become something greater than us.Because we represent something greater than ourselves we represent GOD.Thank you

The Rainmaker

Dark clouds form and the sunshine disappearsIt becomes cold and bleak and then it begins………”The rain” Many run, scatter and hideOthers face it head on and face whatever damage comesI always tried to hide from “The rain” because it always distoryed evertyhing I had.Because you see my “Rain” always lasted for years and yearsAlways distorying and never giving me a chance to rebuild what was LOST.My house was made of sand and it was always washed AWAY…..And for all of those years I cried……………………..hurtThat “The Rain” would always come and wash away everything that I built.Dreams, possibilities, relationships, and many crops that were to GROW.And I contiuned to cry about all that I was loosing from “The Rain”Desperate for help and on my very last leg and ready to run from my path I stopped and asked the rainmaker:”Why must it ALWAYS rain in my life?!?!?”"When I see others whose crops grow and they get unlimited SUNSHINE!! Why must I always have RAIN!!?!?!?”The Rainmaker stopped and answered me:”My child I give you rain to make you strong you see for many years you have planted things and planted things. Some grew into weeds and began to crowd out the beautiful flowers that you had planted. So I had you pull the weeds but all of your flowers were dead. So I let it rain……You c for many years your flowers had no rain, your grass was brown and all of your fruit was DEAD. so I let it rain to replish your flowers so they can bloom, so your grass an be green and so that you can bear new fruit of: Joy, Love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control….But al of that couldn’t grown in your garden because of all the dirt that I had to wash away. Rain is meant to replish, to make live again, and wash away all the hurt and pain that happens to everyone.So the rain builds character my child and when it seems as if you will drown trust me that I will come and let the sunshine in!So I am never trying to urt you but I want your garden to grow!!”So then next ime you have sunshine and someone is having rain let them know the rainmaker is trying to let their garden grow!!!

Tears of a Warrior

Tears fall hard……staining…blood..The battlefield is hard and yet he never looks backHe comes to every situation as a man ALWAYS….He fights with all his might and prays that God will bless him….But at night he always worries about what tomorrow with bringHe always says a prayer for God to give him strength in this battleAnd then he lets go of his fears, worries and tears…..You see because this battle call life in this battlefield called earth can sometimes hurt but he just goes on…Brave, Solid but also sometimes scared and unsure of himselfBut that where God comes in and makes him a true warriorSo those tears that he sometimes may have God can have themTo make him a man…..better than a man…..a WARRIOR….

What does true love consist of??

this is a paper that I had to write for class but it was so interesting that I thought I would make it a note and get your opinions? Let me know!What does true love consist of? Have most of us every really sat down and seriously thought about that? Is it the point of being selfless? Or is it giving honesty and everything you have? How do we get this love or is it ever-real love at all? Robert J. Sternberg developed a triangular theory that might answer some of these questions. He believes that real balanced love is like a triangle. With intimacy and passion at the to and commitment on the bottom he believes that this is real consummate love. Consummate love is that balance of all three of the principles of the triangle. Though the real question is how you get these 3 components and how do you make them last from day one until old age?Well to answer that question we must first take a deeper look into these 3 components. The first is intimacy, and what do we think about when we see intimacy most of us see sex but not all intimacy is sex I also believe that it is a friendship based that you trust this person to tell them things and to also let them love on you with that friendship. Becoming intimate with that person or becoming one is a deep and very special event between these two. With passion it is something totally different it is the attraction that you have toward them but its deeper its also the love for them. With commitment it is on the bottom for a reason it is the base it is what you build your relationship upon. Without commitment in my personal opinion passion and intimacy are non-existent in the relationship. Now two people get together in a relationship with this consummate love this deep equal love but how does it start. Something I feel that you need in the beginning of the relationship is attraction and honesty. You don’t want someone who your not attracted to and also how can you build to commitment with no honesty? So then you can begin to build because intimacy is not only physically but it starts off with their friendship and has a level trust with the other person. So in the beginning of the relationship they should have been friends and at least had the chance to date and build that bond. You see because later that deep friendship will build into the intimacy that have for one another along with respect for them as well. When it comes to passion in this young relationship it’s the starting of the attraction that they have for one another. How does all of this form a triangle you ask? As said before it is a triangle and to form the true love that you are looking for in the other person you need to add one more thing and that is time. It is often said that you can tell if two people are really in love if they stand the test of time, because honestly the whole triangle thing is good but in the beginning of the relationship they are in the baby stages of the triangle and all three components are premature and need time to grow. Also with time you have a lot of time to learn how to love that other person right and if you love them and you want to make it work you will try. So with a more mature couple they know how to function in these principles that seem to be basic but they are really complex. So with their friendship that starts off with the relationship that turns into the intimacy they have for one another. Now they can be open and honest with one another. With passion in my opinion it never dies if you loved them when you married them in 20 years later you should still have the love and passion that you had for them then if it is real love and passion.Lastly with commitment is something that really does take along time. When you are fresh in a relationship you are still feeling them out but to grow into commitment that takes you giving a piece of you away that is your heart. When you get married and make that commitment that means that through all things that you will stand by them. The reason why the older couple will be better with this is because they have along time to work out all of the problems that comes with giving your heart away. I mean to be honest we all want to give our hearts away but we always want them to know what to do with our hearts. So to end with this triangle I believe that it is very true and also there are some things he is missing but to make it basic I think that it is a good basic concept. To give people the real meaning of what it takes to love and that you can’t leave any parts out. So without one part it really isn’t the real love that people are looking for. You see the concept always sounds good but in my personal opinion most people don’t want to work for the love that comes behind all three concepts because in the end love is what you are trying to accomplish. So to remember that loves takes all you have, time and most of all that commitment of giving yourself away and with old or young couples its something they are defiantly going to have to learn with time.

My thoughts….March 10, 2008

Umm what to say……what to think…..I’ve had so much on my mind lately. About the choices that we make as christians and how we witness to others and I think I killed my witness by just being upset or letting anger hold me down. Seriously I had been in thought about so many things in my life. And how depressed I had been just about small things…..things that I hadn’t given to God and I learned how many negative things I was holding on too that I didn’t even realize.You know something I didn’t think about? About we can be saved and sometimes begins to get self centered. And tend to forget that there are ppl in the world that r going to hell and how I can make a difference but I am being to selfish. And how other christians and christians organizations (especially those fake ones on UA’s campus) you know you make all of us look BAD!!! No one is perfect but why make us look fake because u wish to be fake……….That’s your business and then there are places like the 4:12 and Psalm Friday that set a wonderful example to young christians showing love and the fake ones make it all bad for the rest of us.Comment #2: Your never alone!! For about the last month I thought that I was alone on so many things in my life and how umm….depressed I had been about things when one of my good friends (Tina…..Love ya) made me realize that sometimes ppl go through worse stuff than me and still have a smile on their faces. It made me feel so shameful about how selfish I was being with my own life. To step back and take a look at my life and say WOW…..God has blessed me…….Comment #3: Healing…….I never knew that I was holding on to so many negative things that happened so long ago. Literally hating ppl and not showing Christ love because they had hurt me. Didn’t want to be in the same room with them. Would of killed them and had NO remorse. Would of told them to their faces that I hated them……and then I realized “Shvonne your really angry aren’t u??”And so I started making some serious changes first by talking to someone about how I feel…….And how they hurt me and how hurt I had become. And not knowing how to let it go and live my life. To actually show some REAL forgivness and let some past things go…..I know how hard it is when ppl have hurt you and u want to go back to that time when u felt safe and didn’t let this small things bother you…..I feel that for so many years I let what ppl say about me bother me so badly. Like I hated it when they would talk about me I hear them and then 5 mins later they smile in my face……PHONEY!!!! PHONEY!!!!! PHONEY!!!! PHONEY!!!!!PHONEY!!!!Can’t stand it……..But to walk in faith and say “I forgive you for hurting me” because its so hard…..But I changelled myself with this question…….”Lord who do u want me to be??” and to go through that process of a true HEALING……..to be molded is deep……so how many ppl what to take that step?? Because it took a good friend (Danielle) to show me how angry I was and how upset I had become at everyone around me and I didn’t want to take some of the blame for the problems in my life………And how I just let depression take over and never let anything else in…..but to know that God hasn’t forgotten about me because it felt like it…….it took a sermon from my pastor to make me realize that God hadn’t rejected me I had started rejecting MYSELF…….blaming myself for things I have no control over and then waiting on God but never standing in faith and telling God “I TRUST YOU” because everything else in my life had failed……So my new goal is always say “GOD I TRUST YOU” even when I messed up, fallen, made a mistake………Because he’s shows me so much grace……..