Umm what to say……what to think…..I’ve had so much on my mind lately. About the choices that we make as christians and how we witness to others and I think I killed my witness by just being upset or letting anger hold me down. Seriously I had been in thought about so many things in my life. And how depressed I had been just about small things…..things that I hadn’t given to God and I learned how many negative things I was holding on too that I didn’t even realize.You know something I didn’t think about? About we can be saved and sometimes begins to get self centered. And tend to forget that there are ppl in the world that r going to hell and how I can make a difference but I am being to selfish. And how other christians and christians organizations (especially those fake ones on UA’s campus) you know you make all of us look BAD!!! No one is perfect but why make us look fake because u wish to be fake……….That’s your business and then there are places like the 4:12 and Psalm Friday that set a wonderful example to young christians showing love and the fake ones make it all bad for the rest of us.Comment #2: Your never alone!! For about the last month I thought that I was alone on so many things in my life and how umm….depressed I had been about things when one of my good friends (Tina…..Love ya) made me realize that sometimes ppl go through worse stuff than me and still have a smile on their faces. It made me feel so shameful about how selfish I was being with my own life. To step back and take a look at my life and say WOW…..God has blessed me…….Comment #3: Healing…….I never knew that I was holding on to so many negative things that happened so long ago. Literally hating ppl and not showing Christ love because they had hurt me. Didn’t want to be in the same room with them. Would of killed them and had NO remorse. Would of told them to their faces that I hated them……and then I realized “Shvonne your really angry aren’t u??”And so I started making some serious changes first by talking to someone about how I feel…….And how they hurt me and how hurt I had become. And not knowing how to let it go and live my life. To actually show some REAL forgivness and let some past things go…..I know how hard it is when ppl have hurt you and u want to go back to that time when u felt safe and didn’t let this small things bother you…..I feel that for so many years I let what ppl say about me bother me so badly. Like I hated it when they would talk about me I hear them and then 5 mins later they smile in my face……PHONEY!!!! PHONEY!!!!! PHONEY!!!! PHONEY!!!!!PHONEY!!!!Can’t stand it……..But to walk in faith and say “I forgive you for hurting me” because its so hard…..But I changelled myself with this question…….”Lord who do u want me to be??” and to go through that process of a true HEALING……..to be molded is deep……so how many ppl what to take that step?? Because it took a good friend (Danielle) to show me how angry I was and how upset I had become at everyone around me and I didn’t want to take some of the blame for the problems in my life………And how I just let depression take over and never let anything else in…..but to know that God hasn’t forgotten about me because it felt like it…….it took a sermon from my pastor to make me realize that God hadn’t rejected me I had started rejecting MYSELF…….blaming myself for things I have no control over and then waiting on God but never standing in faith and telling God “I TRUST YOU” because everything else in my life had failed……So my new goal is always say “GOD I TRUST YOU” even when I messed up, fallen, made a mistake………Because he’s shows me so much grace……..
